Texas Shocked to Learn Undocumented Immigrants Pay Taxes, Don’t Actually Hibernate in Luxury Bunkers Under Buc-ee’s

Written By Ivana Reform
A classic truck is rolling down the road with a giant beaver and the statue of liberty in the back while money is flying out behind them.

AUSTIN, TX — A growing number of Texans were seen blinking slowly this week as reports confirmed that undocumented immigrants actually pay billions in taxes and do not, contrary to popular myth, sneak into the state to collect deluxe welfare baskets and moonlight as criminal masterminds.

“I thought undocumented immigrants just showed up, collected free everything, and disappeared into secret tunnels under Buc-ee’s,” said Patty Patrioti, a self-proclaimed taxpayer watchdog and retired chain email forwarder. “Turns out they’re basically funding the roads I complain about.”

In reality—yes, reality—immigrants in Texas, including undocumented individuals, contributed an estimated $4.9 billion in state and local taxes in 2022 alone, according to Every Texan (2023). That includes property taxes, sales taxes, and even income taxes, often filed using Individual Taxpayer Identification Numbers (ITINs) (ITEP, 2024). In other words, many undocumented Texans are funding public services they often can’t even use.

“The irony is so thick it probably qualifies as infrastructure,” said no lawmaker ever, because acknowledging this would interrupt their regularly scheduled fearmongering.

A Billion-Dollar Inconvenient Truth

Texas is one of six states that collects over $1 billion annually from undocumented immigrants (ITEP, 2024). These funds help support education, emergency services, and yes, even those traffic lights that still flash red for no reason at 2 a.m.

But don’t expect policy changes based on fiscal logic. When asked to comment on these figures, a spokesperson for Rep. Chuck Throckmorton (R-EndlessTerm) responded, “The Congressman is unavailable. He’s currently at a business brunch titled How to Save America by Cutting the Workforce That Built It.”

A Lesson From Alabama That Everyone Ignored

If you're thinking, “Well maybe we could survive without immigrant labor,” Alabama already tried that in 2011 with HB 56. The result? Massive economic losses—up to $11 billion in GDP—especially in agriculture (Paral, 2011). Whole industries unraveled because apparently crops don’t harvest themselves and tomatoes don’t care about political rhetoric.

Experts warn a similar strategy in Texas could collapse sectors like oil, gas, healthcare, and food services—where immigrant workers are disproportionately represented (American Immigration Council, 2023).

“Drain on the System”? More Like Subsidizing It

Let’s be clear: undocumented immigrants contribute far more to federal programs than they receive. In 2022, they contributed an estimated $25.7 billion to Social Security, $6.4 billion to Medicare, and $1.8 billion to unemployment insurance—despite being largely ineligible for benefits (ITEP, 2024). That’s like tipping your waiter 50%, only to be asked to leave the restaurant for not having a loyalty card.

Also: Immigrants are disproportionately younger, helping to stabilize our aging tax base and maintain programs like Social Security and Medicaid that would otherwise collapse under demographic pressure (National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine, 2017).

Immigrants: Business Owners, Workers… Texans

In 2021, immigrants made up 28% of all business owners in Texas—despite being only 17% of the population (American Immigration Council, 2023). They’re building jobs, hiring locals, and contributing to the economy in ways that can’t be replicated by campaign slogans or border walls.

And no, the Constitution doesn’t pause at a border checkpoint. Immigrants—regardless of status—are protected under the Constitution, including due process and equal protection (ACLU, n.d.). Children have the right to a public education (Plyler v. Doe, 1982), and workers are covered under the Fair Labor Standards Act (U.S. Department of Labor, n.d.).

“If we actually admitted any of this,” said a fictional elected official who wished to remain anonymous for satirical purposes, “we’d have to base immigration policy on facts, not fear. And where’s the fun in that?”

Final Thought: Who’s Really Draining the System?

When you subtract the tax payments, economic contributions, and workforce support provided by immigrant communities, the real question becomes: Can we afford to lose them?

Or more bluntly: Without immigrants, who’s left to patch the roads, care for patients, harvest the food, and pay into the safety net?

Certainly not the people spending 14 months debating who gets to say “Merry Christmas.”

References

Ivana Reform
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